Tuesday November 1

One month today. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month. I am still stunned; I am still hurting; I am still so sad—for Ren’s death, for the past year of chemo pain and sickness, that we didn’t have more time together.  It was too quick at the end.

Daughter 1 and I visited the niche today after I made the final payment on the funeral/cremation/niche cost. She is making the arrangements for the “un-funeral” on Friday, so it was good for her to see where it will take place. She ordered and paid for flowers for the urn. We can place something inside the niche with the urn. I’m not sure what, if anything, to put.

Son 2 came over yesterday to copy some slides for his slide show of Ren. He said son 1 and family will be here Friday for the family gathering at the niche, but that they couldn’t make Sunday due to a conflict.

 Busy week, but I wonder what I will do next week when all the business end of it is finished. How will I carve out a life for myself? How will I find balance with half of me gone?

 People are so kind. I had a long and comforting email from cousin in Devon, UK today, and a surprise email from a former professor/mentor who wrote some kind and moving words. Kathy, a former colleague, was another one who wrote a lovely note. 

So many people have reached out to me: taken me to dinner, to lunch, talked on the telephone, texted comforting words, sent plants, flowers, and cards. I know now not to hesitate to do the same. There is no one way to express solidarity and sadness. 

It all helps.