Chemo, ctd.

September 10, 2022

After five months of one chemo the PSA levels were rising. The doctor gave him a "treatment break" and the PSA levels shot up. He then started on another kind of chemo. At first the levels rose even more, but Ren went ahead with the second dose anyway. The side effects were just as bad or worse. Just as Ren decided he'd had enough, blood tests showed the levels had dropped. So he had a third infusion of this same chemo, and we will wait to see what the blood tests show next week. If they don’t drop significantly, Ren says again he will stop all treatment. 

The doctor mentioned Ren is in Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. Interesting to know the actual stage. (How many stages are there? I didn't think to ask.) He also said if treatment stops, Ren has less than six months to live. The treatment would perhaps give him a couple of more months. The question we all ask: Is two extra months or so worth the side effects? Christmas is just over four months away. If he stops treatment, will he make it until then? If he continues with the chemo he might see in the New Year.

Ren asked the doctor about the medication for ending his own life. The doctor described the process and told him that he has to be cognizant enough to take it himself. If anyone gave them to him, it would be considered murder. The doctor also emphasized that Ren is always in charge. He told Ren he could always order the meds and just keep them in his “back pocket,” and not use them until he was absolutely sure.

I have also told Ren he is in charge--of all of his health decisions. I will honor whatever he decides. I love him dearly and cannot imagine life without him. But. As much as I want him to live, it is agonizing to see him suffer like this for no good result. Endless days of misery is a terrible way to end one’s life. If it were me, I would want to end it quickly rather than linger and let my family watch me deteriorate. However, that is something I won't share with him. It has to be his decision. 

Early on in this saga he told me, "I don't want to die." I don't want that either.