Everyday Life Continues

September 10, 2022

At Labor Day we had a lovely birthday weekend for Ren. The adult children were all here, as were those grandchildren who are not in university yet. (The others had visited earlier in August, before they left—except for a granddaughter studying in Switzerland.) Some of the family who had not seen him recently, were shocked by how ill Ren looks. However, he enjoyed seeing everyone and was able to stay up and awake during their visit. It was a treat for both of us.

We had also had dinner out with two sets of friends in August. In mid-August we had a cheerful dinner with a coworker of mine who is married to a jeep/camping/hunting buddy of Ren's. We went to The Smokehouse, a favorite of Ren's. He couldn't eat much but did drink his usual Manhattan. On his actual birthday, August 31, we met friends of many years at his favorite BBQ restaurant. I had to drop him off at the door where he waited with a walking stick until I had parked the car. He walks slowly now, but was able to make it inside without a rest. Although Ren couldn't eat much, he did order dessert. When it arrived, we all sang Happy Birthday with a candle in his ice cream. He did enjoy that.

All of us were well aware it would be his last birthday.

I worry about Ren's alcohol consumption. His cancer has spread to his liver. The doctor said, besides the original tumors, he had noted there are more that are “differentiated.” Those are more aggressive. So what does this mean for Ren’s overall day-to-day life, I wonder? He not only continues to drink, but he has increased his alcohol intake from one or two drinks a week, to almost daily. He also had me joining him, until I realized sometimes drinking made me feel ill. I found the courage not to feel guilty about not joining him. So now I have a light gin and tonic with him once in a while at home and a glass of wine if drinking while we’re dining out. Since I drive us everywhere, I have to make sure, that I am stone cold sober when I leave the restaurant. So usually my wine still has a couple of ounces left in the glass when we leave. Better to waste it than to drive wasted!

But I wonder if the increased alcohol consumption is contributing to Ren’s stomach upsets and perhaps his insomnia. If his liver is already compromised with tumors, how is it handling filtering the alcohol? Is this causing the increase in nausea and bowel problems? Isn’t it better to be sober than ill? He enjoys a drink or two, and I don’t begrudge him that, but I don’t want him to suffer needlessly either. But I can only advise and cannot control him. Nor do I want to!

 It is hard to know when to help and when to let him struggle to manage by himself. For instance: when he is trying to get up out of a restaurant booth, he feels badly when he cannot do it by himself. I stand by ready to help, but choosing to know when to step in and when to hold back is tricky. Sometimes he snaps at me when I ask him if he needs help, especially when the answer is yes. He is just angry with himself and his helplessness. I know that. And I try not to let his bad temper get to me. It does remind me of some reactions I saw from his mother though, and that triggers big time annoyance on my part which I have to choke back.  

It is awfully hard to watch my dear husband hang his head as he sits in his chair at home; or watch him walk with back bent, head down, gingerly making his way across the room. Or sit up in his chair with his eyes closed for minutes at a time--not sleeping, just "thinking". He wants to fight this thing, but he often seems wearied with the fight.