October 12

 Ren’s body was cremated today between 6:30 and 8:30 am. I was walking on Fifth Street between 6:45 and 7:30 thinking of Ren and my loss. I met the old Italian, Sal, who was walking his dog. He asked how I was. We discussed the various plans others had made after losing their spouse. He lives with his son, and it turns out another son lives next door. His sister-in-law sold her $3 million house and moved into a home to be with other people. I was thinking of that, but I’m not sure I’d like to give up my independence and space.  Maybe when I’m older . . .

Son 1 remarked via email that the cremation has a finality feel to it. He said it gives him and “overwhelming feeling of sadness,” echoing my words to him in June.

With all the children gone, the house is quiet and empty. When I went out for my walk I had to turn on the alarm as no one is in the house now. I wore Ren’s ring on my middle finger today, the place I put it when we removed it before they took him away. I’m glad I stayed with Ren until they took him, feeling his warmth at his collar line even as his face grew cold. 

It is so quiet and empty here. I have to find a way to continue my life without him. 

I’m just not sure how to do that.