October 9

 

Bad night followed by a laid-back day. Very low energy. I phoned Ren's oldest friend to let him know. Nice man. He was saddened. He said he’s known Ren since elementary school. Ren’s passing reminded him of his own mortality, as it does many of us. My lovely English Cousin called too, to ask how I was doing and to send his love to all the family. His wife spoke to me too, of course. Son-in-law is in Germany by now to surprise his father for his 80^th birthday.

The mortuary is making clerical errors that have me worried about whether or not they will cremate the right body when it is Ren’s turn on Wednesday! Cards from relatives and good friends continue to arrive. Bless everyone who took the time. It all helps.

One or more of the children have been with me every day and night since Ren left. I’m beginning to feel like I need some time alone. I want to process Ren’s death, his absence from my life, the hollow he leaves behind. Someone here almost constantly is distracting. I want to mourn in my own way, in my own time, without stifling or hiding my reactions/feelings because I’m under worried observation. I don't want to upset my children any more than they already are. 

I have to find a way to tell them to resume their normal lives without seeming ungrateful for their concern and help.