Wavering Steps

 

October 14

Today I did not walk. I did get up a little after 6 am and went through a bunch of manila envelopes that Ren had in his office. Daughter 1 had them lined up on a bin for me to get to when I was ready. A lot of them, actually most of them, were old tax returns. I put everything older than 7 years to be shredded. Daughter 1 came over and put out the trash cans—the recycle one was stuffed with papers, with more on the bench. She then helped me shred some of the docs but the shredder over-heated, so we had to stop.

After she left, I went through the remaining ones and tore off the sensitive info for shredding while recycling the rest. I was hoping less paperwork would mean the shredder would last longer, but I only did half of them. Tomorrow.

I typed up notes of which businesses I have called and what they said. It’s beginning to get confusing—so many notifications! When we get the Death Certificates, I can begin to knock off some of them. I hope.

And overall, I could feel depression coming on. I just felt down all day. The house was quiet and empty, and I felt lethargic. The neighbors next door sent flowers, and three condolences cards came. One said Ren could be curmudgeon sometimes—a friend from the fishing club—and that made me laugh. He said other nice things too, but it felt as if he knew the real Ren!

A nice tribute from the Art Club today. I sent it to the kids. It is interesting to know how others experienced him.

What will I do or be without him?

Cremation

 

October 12

 Ren’s body was cremated today between 6:30 and 8:30 am. I was walking on Fifth Street between 6:45 and 7:30 thinking of Ren and my loss. I met the old Italian, Sal, who was walking his dog. He asked how I was. We discussed the various plans others had made after losing their spouse. He lives with his son, and it turns out another son lives next door. His sister-in-law sold her $3 million house and moved into a home to be with other people. I was thinking of that, but I’m not sure I’d like to give up my independence and space.  Maybe when I’m older . . .

Son 1 remarked via email that the cremation has a finality feel to it. He said it gives him and “overwhelming feeling of sadness,” echoing my words to him in June.

With all the children gone, the house is quiet and empty. When I went out for my walk I had to turn on the alarm as no one is in the house now. I wore Ren’s ring on my middle finger today, the place I put it when we removed it before they took him away. I’m glad I stayed with Ren until they took him, feeling his warmth at his collar line even as his face grew cold. 

It is so quiet and empty here. I have to find a way to continue my life without him. 

I’m just not sure how to do that.   

 

Taking Care of Business

 

October 11

 

Daughter 2 drove back to the bay area this morning, so the rest of the day and evening was spent completely alone. I had asked the children to give me the time so that I could process my loss, the trauma, the grief without a lot of distraction.

I spent most of the day dealing with pension, mutual funds, and lining up matters to be taken care of when we receive the death certificates.

Ren’s primary care doctor, Dr. Park, called to express condolences, and I had to fight tears. It's still hard to believe that he’s really gone. It seems as if he’s just away on a fishing trip and will return in a couple of days.

But he won’t.

Faltering Steps

 

October 9

 

Bad night followed by a laid-back day. Very low energy. I phoned Ren's oldest friend to let him know. Nice man. He was saddened. He said he’s known Ren since elementary school. Ren’s passing reminded him of his own mortality, as it does many of us. My lovely English Cousin called too, to ask how I was doing and to send his love to all the family. His wife spoke to me too, of course. Son-in-law is in Germany by now to surprise his father for his 80^th birthday.

The mortuary is making clerical errors that have me worried about whether or not they will cremate the right body when it is Ren’s turn on Wednesday! Cards from relatives and good friends continue to arrive. Bless everyone who took the time. It all helps.

One or more of the children have been with me every day and night since Ren left. I’m beginning to feel like I need some time alone. I want to process Ren’s death, his absence from my life, the hollow he leaves behind. Someone here almost constantly is distracting. I want to mourn in my own way, in my own time, without stifling or hiding my reactions/feelings because I’m under worried observation. I don't want to upset my children any more than they already are. 

I have to find a way to tell them to resume their normal lives without seeming ungrateful for their concern and help.

The Empty Place

 

More Sorting

Today the focus was again on Ren’s books, both on the bookshelves and in his office. They include binders with notes from his 1963 City College classes and a binder of his lecture notes. All are obsolete now, so we tossed them.

Son 2 turned in my father’s BB pistol to the BPD at my request. (Son 3 had taken Ren’s rifles and pistol earlier.)

Son 2 bought more flowers and wine today, and daughter 2 went to an architecture conference in downtown LA. Son 1 called.

Daughters 1 & 2, Son 2 and I had dinner at Centanni. Memories of Ren, as he and I ate there a couple of weeks ago. The proprietor expressed condolences, and I controlled the urge to cry. 

Nice dinner. Afterwards we came back home and chatted. We will have an open house for friends and family and the cousins who want to come. Must figure out who to invite, and food and drink.

I am beginning to feel Ren’s absence. It’s beginning to sink in on a cellular level that he’s not coming back. I am still somewhat numb, and I dread the emptiness that I will inevitably feel, the companionship lost, a like-mind to mesh with. 

How will I manage to rebuild my life?

Life Continues?

 

October 6

 

Several times today I found myself thinking, “I’ll have to tell Ren about this.” Or “Ren and I would enjoy watching that.” And so it begins, the giant hole he’s left behind following me around.

We’ve (with daughter 2 and son 2) finished clearing out the worst mess in his office and the books off his bookshelf. I am realizing what a lot of interests he had: The Classics from the ancient coin interest; the wagon migrations to the American West from interest in his great-grandfather; the American Civil War, and of course, World War II. He was also interested in the American West in general, and he was fascinated by various great men in history, like Winston Churchill. 

He also admired and read about artists like Michelangelo and Da Vinci and Modigliani. We have membership in the Getty, the Norton Simon, and Los Angeles County Art museums, as well as the Huntington Library, the Descanso Gardens and the California Eastern Sierra Museum, and the Mono Lake Committee. All of these were driven by Ren and his love of art and nature. 

The other side of this was his ongoing interest in computers, electronics, trains, and four-wheel driving, as well as traveling. 

I will miss him, his companionship, his sharing of jokes, and our laughter about the absurdities of life. 

What will I do without him? 

How will I manage to enjoy life without imposing on my children

Notifying Others

 

Email to Writer’s Group

Hi Ladies,
I'm sorry to tell you that Ren died last Saturday, Oct 1, at 10 pm. It was far quicker than we expected, actually quicker than the hospice expected. Luckily all five of my kids were here that day, and we were all gathered around his bedside as he slowly slipped away. He was not in pain, but that day he didn't communicate with any of us, so we're not sure how aware he was. Despite that, we acted as if he was very aware, and one or more of us kept rotating in to talk to him, stroke his arms, and generally let him know he was not alone. And luckily there was no day-nurse (staffing problems), so it was just family at the end. Absolutely heart-breaking, but being together made it easier. Just as he passed, the doorbell rang, and the night nurse showed up. She confirmed his death and took over making the right phone calls.

My children have kept up a rotation of presence in my house, day and night, since his passing. This has kept me from thinking and sinking into any funk. I got them to start sorting out all of Ren's books while they've been here. My son the lawyer, accompanied me to the mortuary to settle details there. That was very helpful. According to Ren's adamant request, there will be no funeral. However, the family will gather at his niche when they place his urn inside. We're thinking about having an open house, but we haven't confirmed that yet.

So, needless to say, you guys will have plenty of time to write before our next meeting. I'll have to see how things go and how ready I am to resume regular activities once the kids resume their normal lives and I am by myself. Being an optimist, I imagine I might bounce a couple of times, but I will survive.

thanks always for your support,
Mary